Recently, I asked my adult son to tell me which time in his childhood was the best and which was the worst.
First, he animatedly described a favorite, gleeful story. Then his persona changed.
Feeling the Guilt of the Past
For the worst memory, he recalled my period of alcoholism and drug addiction as he stared off into the distance.
Dear God, I felt a new dagger of guilt stabbing me in the heart. I am no stranger to guilt but it still has the power to stop me in my tracks.
I was raised in a fearful and guilt ridden environment. Most of my childhood antics were met with, “How could you do that? You should know better.”
Yes, I was a bad kid and guilt was the price I must pay.
Guilt and the Road to Addiction
Of course, becoming an addict was not the result of this one emotion gone astray; many, many factors led to that. Guilt was certainly one of those components however, along with making some just plain old stupid choices.
Reading an online article about addiction and guilt, I found the following quote; “Many individuals who fall into substance abuse may do so because of their inability to deal with guilt. Using alcohol or drugs may mean that the person temporarily feels better about themselves, but ultimately it makes the situation far worse.”
Ah, how true! Towards the end of my drinking and drugging, I felt guilty about a slew of entities; I felt terrible that family and friends were riding this frightening roller-coaster with me. I felt horrible that I had become a liar, a manipulator and a thief.
Yet I couldn’t stop!
My days were spent using my inebriated resources to procure my chemicals. I did so at any cost and I let my ordinarily ethical self trample all over others. I used people and I behaved atrociously. I begged, borrowed and stole. And I felt a whole lot of guilt because of it.
The Power of Amends
Looking back, I realized why the ninth step is so important:
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
Not only was I righting ALL my wrongs, I was alleviating some guilt as I went from person to person.
I waited until my child was 16 before I made my amends to him. I felt that a kid under this age might have a difficult time with the concept. Much of my guilt dissipated during that amends, yet I’m confident that it will never be totally eradicated.
As my first sober year turned into my second and third, I began to function as a content and responsible adult. Getting past the wreckage I had caused which culminated into divorce was a giant step for me- as was learning to parent once again.
That dagger that I called guilt was no longer being jabbed into my side on a daily basis and I felt immense relief that I no longer carried it with me.
Learning to Let Go of My Guilt
Of course we all feel guilt for our actions from time to time. But we don’t have to let ourselves be consumed by it.
Journeying down a road that I call sobriety, I do occasionally reach a fork. If one choice is to feel paralyzed by guilt and the other is to be proactive and find a way to move on, I have learned, by following the twelve steps, attending meetings and praying to my God as I understand him, to pick the latter.
Author: Katie H. is a writer, recovering addict, and mother based in Connecticut.