“There can be as many wrong reasons to do the right thing as there are stars in the sky. There might even be more than one legitimate right reason. But there is never a right reason to do the wrong thing. Not ever.” ― Domita K. Paul
Values—right from wrong. How incredibly twisted these get when we are addicted.
I’m actually ashamed to admit that my values and morals went to hell in a hand-basket when I drank and drugged. I was a liar most of all and ironically that is so against my sober nature.
I was also promiscuous, loud mouthed, opinionated, selfish and just plain horrid. My ability to temper my emotions was gone.
At that point in time, I believed that what spewed from my mouth were words of wisdom and righteousness; how terribly sad.
Admitting Defeat
Looking back, I made this realization when I began working AA’s fourth step. “Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.” I learned that those chemicals that I craved had me looking at life from the wrong angle—that they had become my master.
I was not a good person, a good friend or a respectable family member.
It wasn’t easy to swallow those truths about myself. As AA queries, “who cares to admit defeat?”
Rebuilding Myself through the 12 Steps
My forth step list was long. It contained my flaws, my weaknesses and my conflicts. I did learn, however, that I could change those character defects, and that was awesome. Years of ‘use’ could not, did not, ultimately change my values. Sobriety found me an ethical woman once again.
And I found humility through this process and I’m pleased to say that is an attribute that I like in myself.
I also found compassion and empathy. My values once again allowed me to shine a bit, to feel a sense of self-respect when I interact with others.
It is NOT all about me.
I pray that it never is.
Author: Katie H. is a writer, recovering addict, and mother based in Connecticut.