So you’re in recovery and you’re getting your life back on track. You’re making progress in your personal growth and you’re dying to know “is it safe to start dating yet?” While there is no magic formula to tell you when you can successfully wade back into the waters of romance, if you want to continue growing and improving your life, there are some things you need to evaluate before you start navigating the choppy waters of dating in recovery.
Before dating, you need to heal
When you’re in recovery, you have just as strong a desire as ever to date. However, if you are in the midst of dealing with your addiction, you may not be able to handle a new relationship yet. We often forget just how broken we are when we begin our road of recovery. When it comes to dating in recovery, you must first focus on the basics—dealing with your own personal needs that led you to become addicted to a substance.
Start simple
Think of it in terms of math class. Before you can successfully tackle calculus and trigonometry, you have to learn simple addition. Getting into a relationship without having first addressed the underlying issues of your addiction is like asking a preschooler to do calculus. It gets confusing very quickly and usually does not work out well in the end.
Too much of the same doesn’t always work
Unfortunately, judgment often gets clouded as it feels so right to have someone else who is also in the recovery process to share your heart with. After all, they understand where you’re coming from. They’ve been in the same place as you. Surely it can work. While two emotionally wounded people coming together to fill each other’s relational void often feels so right, it’s almost assuredly a path to further emotional pain and hurt for both parties involved.
Often those recovering from addiction have a history of learned harmful relational behaviors. It takes time to uncover what behaviors and beliefs need to change and to implement those changes in the way you handle relationships.
Though you may have much in common and it’s easy to be attracted to that, your shared stories don’t make you stronger. Neither one of you is likely strong enough to avoid relapsing or falling back into addiction should the other relapse.
So what’s ultimately more important, a temporary sense of intimacy or a healthy fulfilled life? Focus on your recovery first. The time for love will come, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your sobriety.